/The Dark Night of The Soul.

The reason I'm writing this blog (even if no one reads it) is because I wan't to be honest with how I have been feeling for a long while now.
I'm going through one of those very dark moments in life and I feel I've become this person who instead of having a gentle heart which I used to have , as a means of protecting myself I have made my heart hard. I hate it. I hate being this way.
It's the reason I suffocate. I have this horrible habit of shutting down and not letting people in. It's hard because the person I used to be able to do that with died and I can't get over it. I just keep remembering how much she helped me so much. With all the problems I had. She introduced me to someone who is now a very good friend to me. But somehow with her death he seems so far away. I call his name out often but it is a struggle. I feel blocked and I cannot breathe. I miss how she used to shout at me because she showed me she loved me and cared for me. I wish I could have showed her more but I was afraid. But instead I tried to do little things in my actions.
My life was fuller when I had Jesus close to my heart , and don't get me wrong I want him to be close to me and I am willing to struggle to find him all over again. I know he's there , he always is no matter what happens. And recently there has been a rumour about me spread about by I have no idea who , which is totally false and only Jesus knows how I feel . It's horrible when someone makes false statements about you it hurts so much. And although through this time where I feel so empty and thirsty and maybe bitter and angry and closed , I still have faith in Jesus Christ.

I want to do so much for him I always have but I feel hopeless and I feel it is just a dream and I should forget about it. I always tell him ''Please make something crazy happen in my life'' I'm not sure what I mean by that but I want to step out in faith but I never do because I close myself off from everyone.
I need him more than anything. It's become desperation.

I want to apologise to everyone I have insulted or upset in any way ,because if I'm being honest I didn't mean any of it , it was bitterness. I am sorry if I came across as agressive or bitter instead of a person with a gentle nature.

It's scary being so honest. But somehow I felt I should.

Valentinaa.