/Silence.

It is so difficult to be inside a house with people who to be honest care nothing but of themselves. Yes selfish people. I am currently typing this whilst laying on the floor because the spoilt rotten sister 'veruca salt' is on her bed like a queen. I can't take it any more I feel like myself Dawn and Kev are the forgotten ones. She knows that she can get what she want if she asks and oh no she is not afraid to ask I'm telling you she asks and she receives. I have tried so many times to bite my tounge and be as nice as possible and as loving but it is a tough job. It kills me to have to act like this but I just have to ignore her existence to avoid hurt so she is like an invisible being not even there and I think she knows it. But tell me what would you do if someone were telling you , you look disabled and if they kept going on about the holiday their dad (your dad also) got them and on top of that spending an incredible amount of money on school fees and like on their hair and clothes and how would you feel if your dad never did anything for you if you were sat watching your dad spend around 50 pound on clothes on your sister and didn't even bother to ask. I am not saying I wan't anything but some consideration would be so nice and how wrong is that when your brother needs an areal for his roof and his dad won't even lend him the money because he ''can't'' pay it sure of course you can't but you're spending around 30,000 pound yearly on school fees and bar that spending lots of money on clothes and other luxuries. I am so glad Jesus is with me right now because I swear it hurts so much and it's not that I'm a rotten person saying all these things but I can't keep it in they are my true feelings and I refuse to lie about them. It eats me up inside and its sad that she is becoming a horrible little character which nobody wants around but the difference is people put up an act and act like they are okay with her when in fact they are not and I can't help but be honest in the way I feel and act. I'm not a horrible person I just can't be fake and believe me I have tried to be nice now all I can do is pray and just ignore it like she never existed. Which she hasn't.

/The tale of the three trees.

The Three Trees
Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: " I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on it's way to the ocean. " I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world! The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world.

Years, passed. The rain came, the sun shone and the little trees grew tall. One day three wood cutters climbed the mountain. The first wood cutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the first tree fell. "Now I shall make a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" the first tree said.

The second wood cutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It's perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. " I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!"

The third tree felt her heart sink when the last wood cutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the wood cutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining ax, the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the wood cutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, or treasure. She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the wood cutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree was hammered and awed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river, instead she was taken to a little lake. The third tree was confused when the wood cutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. " All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God..."

Many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. "I wish I could make a cradle for him." Her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and sturdy wood. " This manger is beautiful." She said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.

One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and a thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She new she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and the rain. The tired man awoke. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten wood pile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hand to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.

The next time you feel down because you didn't get what you wanted, sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to give you.

/Good Friday

I was very touched by this reading at my church service..

The deceiver tells me I am good.
The cross tells me I am a sinner.

The deceiver tells me I’m on the right road.
The cross tells me I am lost.

The deceiver tells me I am innocent.
The cross tells me I am guilty.

The deceiver tells me I can save myself.
The cross tells me I need a Savior.

The deceiver tells me Christ’s work is incomplete.
The cross tells me it is finished.

The deceiver tells me I am condemned.
The cross tells me I am justified.

The deceiver tells me I cannot be made clean.
The cross tells me the blood of Jesus cleanses me from all sin.

The deceiver tells me the stain of sin has ruined my life.
The cross tells me I have been washed whiter than snow.

The deceiver tells me I can never be free from my past.
The cross tells me all things have been made new.

The deceiver tells me I must work for my salvation.
The cross tells me it is by grace alone.

The deceiver tells me I can live the way I want.
The cross tells me I have been bought with a price.

The deceiver tells me God is against me.
The cross tells me God is for me.

The deceiver tells me all roads lead to heaven.
The cross tells me Jesus is the only way.

/Today..

I dreamt of freedom from myself.

/She.

Today my mam brought home a piece of carton , on which she stuck pictures which related to her walk in life.
It starts off with a picture of Italy where she was raised. Then there is a little picture of a girl with purple material covering it as she can't remember any of her childhood. Then comes the hot pepper as she was a saucy one :). A picture of the theatre as she loved acting. All she ever searched for was love.
Then she told me came her little star Valentina, who plays the violin and loves simplicity just like her. Her dream of working with the missions. There is a heart which symbolises Jesus and how he is the centre of her life and everything in it.
She loves to cook and eat pizza and she has a simple and relaxed home.
In the hidden page is all of her dreams.
Her dream of a pool , being a grandma to 4 children and working with missionary children.

Tomorrow I'm off to London , and somehow I feel something I haven't ever in my life.
I just feel really close to my mam. And you know what? I'm going to miss her.
I love her selflessness. She never thinks about herself first she always puts me first. With everything. For instance if we can't afford to buy two items of clothing she'd buy me something instead. It amazes me every time. And I love how she has a heart for helping people with drug problems , alcohol etc , even though sometimes she comes home stressed and sometimes even in need of a big hug.
Most people in today's world aren't really concerned with helping anyone but themselves. But my mother is a very special lady. She has a huge heart for Jesus and for people.
For those who know me I have never really spoken about her , but my feelings have grown so strong and I just want to show her how much I love her and how I will spend my entire life showing her this.
She always showed me how every time I would fall and break , to pick myself up and walk on. She showed me what love is. She moulded me to who and what I am today.
And she accepted me with my faults and my wrongdoings (even if they were bad).

One day when she was alone and she knew she was pregnant she went to a priest and she asked ''Will this child feel loved and accepted?'' And he told her ''Yes, as much as you make her feel.''
And she did. She always made me feel special.

I love her because she would always hug me when I was sad and when I cried. She held me when I felt like dying. And she never gave up on me when I was going through a rough time as a pre-teen when I was cutting myself and writing suicide notes. She prayed to Jesus everyday. And when I was 14 I came to him through my friend Josette.

I just want you to know how much you mean to me and you always will no matter what.
I will always be there when you need and I'll make you proud.


Valentinaa.

/Fathers.

Father Definition : One Who acts or serves as a father to (a child).

Tell me something , why do SOME men impregnate a woman and then f off into the sunset?
I can't understand. I think my Mam deserves everything in the world. I owe her everything. She was there alone and she raised me up and I'm sure their are other woman and sometimes even men who raise kids on their own. They deserve an award in my opinion.

I always felt disappointed. I hadn't met my biological father till I was twelve and I was always curious. and Yes I'm glad I was. I'm glad I met him. Because I now Know.
And no longer need to ponder on the unknown. Honestly I am fed up of being made promises and them being broken. And all this 'father' of mine could do is pass comments about how he's going to help someone who isn't even his own kid with what they love to do. First of all , You don't pass comments like that to your own kid. But then again I am no daughter of yours. You know what the difference is? I'm going to be someone without your money. Opportunities will come along. And when I am someone you will be stood their watching and you'll wish you had been there and you'd wish you could have acted more like a father to me. But you are unable to. You don't know how to love me. You're afraid of me. You are unable of showing love. I know.
I would like to point out money will not make someone better at what they are born with. It helps sure it does. But it is not needed. Things happen sometimes when you least expected I mean look at all those big people up there they were once having money troubles. Money never bought anyone talent or bought anyone what they were meant to do.
I am happy without any fancy gadjets or fancy clothing or fancy schooling. I am what I am.

You want to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day? I think not . How very dare you even ask. How could you? You've done nothing for me you were never there. You did not change my nappies , you did not wake up to my cry in the night. You never helped my mother. You never drove me to school , you never did anything. And a few gifts does not make everything alright. And yes of course I forgive you but that does not mean I should disregard the people who fortunatley were there when you weren't.

I want to say something for you Grandad. I appreciate all you've done for me. You were always there when I cried , when I laughed, when I needed a dad. You are my daddy and you will always be. I love you to pieces.

See unlike you, my grandad was and is a CONSTANT person. and I'm sorry that is something you'll probably never learn how to be. One minute you say you love me. The next minute you say you don't wan't to see me for a year. What kind of person speaks like that to their daughter?. How does that make me feel? And I apologize for being egocentric but to be honest I am not the parent. When you're a parent you have to sacrifice for your children and put them before your selfish needs . After all you made them. And one day when I'm going to be a mother I will make sure my children are put before me and I will be there for them . No matter what.

I will one day become a woman and you'll be sorry you weren't there when I was a girl.

Valentinaa.

/The Dark Night of The Soul.

The reason I'm writing this blog (even if no one reads it) is because I wan't to be honest with how I have been feeling for a long while now.
I'm going through one of those very dark moments in life and I feel I've become this person who instead of having a gentle heart which I used to have , as a means of protecting myself I have made my heart hard. I hate it. I hate being this way.
It's the reason I suffocate. I have this horrible habit of shutting down and not letting people in. It's hard because the person I used to be able to do that with died and I can't get over it. I just keep remembering how much she helped me so much. With all the problems I had. She introduced me to someone who is now a very good friend to me. But somehow with her death he seems so far away. I call his name out often but it is a struggle. I feel blocked and I cannot breathe. I miss how she used to shout at me because she showed me she loved me and cared for me. I wish I could have showed her more but I was afraid. But instead I tried to do little things in my actions.
My life was fuller when I had Jesus close to my heart , and don't get me wrong I want him to be close to me and I am willing to struggle to find him all over again. I know he's there , he always is no matter what happens. And recently there has been a rumour about me spread about by I have no idea who , which is totally false and only Jesus knows how I feel . It's horrible when someone makes false statements about you it hurts so much. And although through this time where I feel so empty and thirsty and maybe bitter and angry and closed , I still have faith in Jesus Christ.

I want to do so much for him I always have but I feel hopeless and I feel it is just a dream and I should forget about it. I always tell him ''Please make something crazy happen in my life'' I'm not sure what I mean by that but I want to step out in faith but I never do because I close myself off from everyone.
I need him more than anything. It's become desperation.

I want to apologise to everyone I have insulted or upset in any way ,because if I'm being honest I didn't mean any of it , it was bitterness. I am sorry if I came across as agressive or bitter instead of a person with a gentle nature.

It's scary being so honest. But somehow I felt I should.

Valentinaa.