/Today..

I dreamt of freedom from myself.

/She.

Today my mam brought home a piece of carton , on which she stuck pictures which related to her walk in life.
It starts off with a picture of Italy where she was raised. Then there is a little picture of a girl with purple material covering it as she can't remember any of her childhood. Then comes the hot pepper as she was a saucy one :). A picture of the theatre as she loved acting. All she ever searched for was love.
Then she told me came her little star Valentina, who plays the violin and loves simplicity just like her. Her dream of working with the missions. There is a heart which symbolises Jesus and how he is the centre of her life and everything in it.
She loves to cook and eat pizza and she has a simple and relaxed home.
In the hidden page is all of her dreams.
Her dream of a pool , being a grandma to 4 children and working with missionary children.

Tomorrow I'm off to London , and somehow I feel something I haven't ever in my life.
I just feel really close to my mam. And you know what? I'm going to miss her.
I love her selflessness. She never thinks about herself first she always puts me first. With everything. For instance if we can't afford to buy two items of clothing she'd buy me something instead. It amazes me every time. And I love how she has a heart for helping people with drug problems , alcohol etc , even though sometimes she comes home stressed and sometimes even in need of a big hug.
Most people in today's world aren't really concerned with helping anyone but themselves. But my mother is a very special lady. She has a huge heart for Jesus and for people.
For those who know me I have never really spoken about her , but my feelings have grown so strong and I just want to show her how much I love her and how I will spend my entire life showing her this.
She always showed me how every time I would fall and break , to pick myself up and walk on. She showed me what love is. She moulded me to who and what I am today.
And she accepted me with my faults and my wrongdoings (even if they were bad).

One day when she was alone and she knew she was pregnant she went to a priest and she asked ''Will this child feel loved and accepted?'' And he told her ''Yes, as much as you make her feel.''
And she did. She always made me feel special.

I love her because she would always hug me when I was sad and when I cried. She held me when I felt like dying. And she never gave up on me when I was going through a rough time as a pre-teen when I was cutting myself and writing suicide notes. She prayed to Jesus everyday. And when I was 14 I came to him through my friend Josette.

I just want you to know how much you mean to me and you always will no matter what.
I will always be there when you need and I'll make you proud.


Valentinaa.

/Fathers.

Father Definition : One Who acts or serves as a father to (a child).

Tell me something , why do SOME men impregnate a woman and then f off into the sunset?
I can't understand. I think my Mam deserves everything in the world. I owe her everything. She was there alone and she raised me up and I'm sure their are other woman and sometimes even men who raise kids on their own. They deserve an award in my opinion.

I always felt disappointed. I hadn't met my biological father till I was twelve and I was always curious. and Yes I'm glad I was. I'm glad I met him. Because I now Know.
And no longer need to ponder on the unknown. Honestly I am fed up of being made promises and them being broken. And all this 'father' of mine could do is pass comments about how he's going to help someone who isn't even his own kid with what they love to do. First of all , You don't pass comments like that to your own kid. But then again I am no daughter of yours. You know what the difference is? I'm going to be someone without your money. Opportunities will come along. And when I am someone you will be stood their watching and you'll wish you had been there and you'd wish you could have acted more like a father to me. But you are unable to. You don't know how to love me. You're afraid of me. You are unable of showing love. I know.
I would like to point out money will not make someone better at what they are born with. It helps sure it does. But it is not needed. Things happen sometimes when you least expected I mean look at all those big people up there they were once having money troubles. Money never bought anyone talent or bought anyone what they were meant to do.
I am happy without any fancy gadjets or fancy clothing or fancy schooling. I am what I am.

You want to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day? I think not . How very dare you even ask. How could you? You've done nothing for me you were never there. You did not change my nappies , you did not wake up to my cry in the night. You never helped my mother. You never drove me to school , you never did anything. And a few gifts does not make everything alright. And yes of course I forgive you but that does not mean I should disregard the people who fortunatley were there when you weren't.

I want to say something for you Grandad. I appreciate all you've done for me. You were always there when I cried , when I laughed, when I needed a dad. You are my daddy and you will always be. I love you to pieces.

See unlike you, my grandad was and is a CONSTANT person. and I'm sorry that is something you'll probably never learn how to be. One minute you say you love me. The next minute you say you don't wan't to see me for a year. What kind of person speaks like that to their daughter?. How does that make me feel? And I apologize for being egocentric but to be honest I am not the parent. When you're a parent you have to sacrifice for your children and put them before your selfish needs . After all you made them. And one day when I'm going to be a mother I will make sure my children are put before me and I will be there for them . No matter what.

I will one day become a woman and you'll be sorry you weren't there when I was a girl.

Valentinaa.

/The Dark Night of The Soul.

The reason I'm writing this blog (even if no one reads it) is because I wan't to be honest with how I have been feeling for a long while now.
I'm going through one of those very dark moments in life and I feel I've become this person who instead of having a gentle heart which I used to have , as a means of protecting myself I have made my heart hard. I hate it. I hate being this way.
It's the reason I suffocate. I have this horrible habit of shutting down and not letting people in. It's hard because the person I used to be able to do that with died and I can't get over it. I just keep remembering how much she helped me so much. With all the problems I had. She introduced me to someone who is now a very good friend to me. But somehow with her death he seems so far away. I call his name out often but it is a struggle. I feel blocked and I cannot breathe. I miss how she used to shout at me because she showed me she loved me and cared for me. I wish I could have showed her more but I was afraid. But instead I tried to do little things in my actions.
My life was fuller when I had Jesus close to my heart , and don't get me wrong I want him to be close to me and I am willing to struggle to find him all over again. I know he's there , he always is no matter what happens. And recently there has been a rumour about me spread about by I have no idea who , which is totally false and only Jesus knows how I feel . It's horrible when someone makes false statements about you it hurts so much. And although through this time where I feel so empty and thirsty and maybe bitter and angry and closed , I still have faith in Jesus Christ.

I want to do so much for him I always have but I feel hopeless and I feel it is just a dream and I should forget about it. I always tell him ''Please make something crazy happen in my life'' I'm not sure what I mean by that but I want to step out in faith but I never do because I close myself off from everyone.
I need him more than anything. It's become desperation.

I want to apologise to everyone I have insulted or upset in any way ,because if I'm being honest I didn't mean any of it , it was bitterness. I am sorry if I came across as agressive or bitter instead of a person with a gentle nature.

It's scary being so honest. But somehow I felt I should.

Valentinaa.